Hey Everyone!!!
The Move-
I made it!! After about 2 flights, 30 hours of not sleeping, dragging approximately 170 pounds of luggage on my person, and navigating the Dutch public transport system, here I was! Upon arriving at my school at around noon on Thursday I got my keys to my new apartment and was settled in by that evening. My apartment is spacious with big windows, a tiny bed, lots of storage and a bathroom/shower combo (the shower is just part of the bathroom floor- it's not separated off like we have in the US). After putting everything away I couldn't believe the seemingly small amount of stuff I brought felt so heavy. In anycase sleep never felt so good haha.
The Weekend-
My good friend Simon came down from the UK and we had a blast! Friday we went spent the day in Amsterdam- Van Gogh museum, sandwiches from an amazing little cafe, a few lattes, a few Heinekens, lots of canals, lots of bikes, lots of history. Saturday we went to Schiveningen, Holland’s most famous beach. I was not expecting to find a gem like this 10 minutes from my house! Notice the pics in my slideshow- there were people as far as I could see with the backdrop of gorgeous centuries old palatial buildings, miles of little beach side restaurant/lounges with live DJs mixing and drinks and food flowing. It is amazing!! Later that day we went to a live festival playing a variety of rock music. It was in the Hague’s version of “central park” with thousands of people attending, sooo cool!
The Dutch-
As we were exploring the cities I was trying to put my finger on the question, "What exactly is "Dutch"? Quite of few European cities I've been to emanate with distinct flavours. Places like Dublin, Paris, Barcelona, Roma, Istanbul, Zurich... each left me with an uniquely individual impression. Each develops a snapshot in my mind, the unique smearing of architecture, smells, sounds, tastes, people... the energy that emits, the feelings that engulf you as you walk along the streets and consider what’s around you. With Amsterdam, I couldn’t as easily define it. Perhaps it’s because Holland itself is such a melding of cultures that its identity is naturally a mix of cultures and styles. Perhaps because I haven’t grown up with a “Dutch stereotype”. Whatever the case, Holland definitely feels very European, nice people, delicious food, great fashion, comprehensive public transport, gorgeous old buildings, men without deodorant... Things I find distintly dutch though? See below:
Ruth’s top 9 distinctly dutch vibes…
1. Canals, everywhere! People use them as transportation, boats in the summer, ice skating in the winter.
2. The language- very strange, incomprehensible mix of German, French, English and maybe some Scandinavian
3. “Coffeeshops” The legalization of Ganja
4. Compact, houses, streets, cars, stores… they can pack it in w/o feeling cramped though
5. Bikes bikes bikes, from businessmen in suits to ladies in fancy dresses… it is the people’s transportation
6. Flatness- no hills, whatsoever… makes #5 much more enjoyable!
7. Classic European architecture, but the Dutch-touch would be large windows, small bricks, some buildings lean in towards the street and have a hook on the top story to shimmy furniture up through the windows :)
8. Warm people, not obnoxiously extroverted but kind and straightforward- me gusta!
9. Tall people- who look like me! I finally fit in!
Feelings Since being here-
I think because I've travelled so much and have been in so many transitions the last couple years, the fact I've just moved doesn’t feel that strange. The fact that I just packed up my life and alone trekked it half way around the world doesn’t really phase me! Kinda weird, I know lol… After talking to my bro though, I think I’ve figured it out. More often than not my travels take me to developing countries- Latin America, China, Indonesia… beyond the cultural differences, the standard of living is so much different. This standard of living is what the US is derived from, I’m just going home! I just feel like I'm at a new apartment in another city.
My view of the world and what country/region is "home" has become kind of a state of flux. Of course my home home will always be Washington and San Diego as a second, but I've become used to traipsing around and being flexible enough to embrace my surroundings in each stage of life. I guess the major difference between this and my former adventures is that I’ll be here for 1.5 years. It works though! I’m excited and very happy to be here, it feels good, it feels right! I do miss the people and life back home but I’m excited to be on my own, challenging myself and hopefully developing some critical skills that will help me in the future. I’ll keep you all updated! Happy September!
Lots o’ love,
Ruth :)
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Last minute ponderings...
Welllllll my bags are (mostly) packed, I’m frantically tying up the loose ends that inevitably appear when one moves across the world, and feel… well like I’m about to jump off a cliff. I’m slightly unsure, speculative of the intimidating waters below, hesitantly edging myself towards the thrill that’s about to arise as I lift my feet of the land I’ve been planted on and jump, fly, splash into a new entirely different reality.
Will I make it? Did I arrange all the details correctly for an overseas transplant? Can I hack it with people far more experienced and educated than I? Am I cut out for Masters level work, especially in a new country with different educational traditions than I am accustomed to? Will I like the country, the people? Will I let the weather depress or invigorate me? Is my unique very American seattle-meets-san-diego-earthy-but-cosmopolitan-travelling-surfer-runner-sometimes goofy-girly-but-trying-to-remain-professional-laidback-yet-motivated persona going to scare people or somehow diminish what I have to say?
To be honest, I’m not really sure what I’m getting myself into. I wish I could say I was at peace, feeling the inner zen as I embark on the next wave of life, but I’m not there yet. I’ve never felt nervous about a trip before but I’m freaking out a little bit on the inside. Before China, Costa Rica, Australia, Indonesia and even conflict ridden Guatemala or East Timor I slept soundly and dreamt the wacky dreams I only have before exiting adventures. This time around, I can’t sleep at night, I can’t get past the murky uncertainty of what’s before me.
I guess I just have more at stake and know less of what to expect. This isn’t a semester abroad with people from my culture with debriefings and group processing times. No I'm going in blind to a very professionaly and academically qualified, intercultural, international... intimidating group. I know I will love it but I'm a little scared. Scared that I'll diminish my own abilities, scared that I'll be in over my head, scared that I don't know where this step is going to take me. It’s a gamble, with the highest stakes I’ve ever put out. My objective is to strengthen my knowledge, world view, and influence to impact the world for good. To pursue social justice, freedom from suffering, hope and opportunity for those oppressed due to no fault of their own. If I can somehow manage to do that while learning about myself and embracing those around me, I think I'll be feeling alright. I just gotta take it one step at a time...
If I’ve learned anything from my time in San Diego, it’s that life is a process of finding yourself, and even if you don’t exactly know who that person is, you do know some things about yourself- things that ring true and deeply resonate in your being as the best way to act and live your life. Pursue those things and don’t let anybody tell you you’re wrong or stupid, or not “cool” for doing them. Don’t change yourself to fit a mold or a cookie-cutter look or personality… popular definitions fade with each second passing. It’s a fruitless, empty endeavor to try to look or act as anything you aren’t. Especially since most (at least US) "popular ideals" are completely based in superfluous, selfish, mindless, empty fluff. Humanity is a rainbow of beautiful cultures and shining personalities, practical skills and deep, abiding strengths. Seek that which resonates with you and celebrate it! The childhood mantra, “be yourself” holds deep value. I've come to believe the people who are most satisfied and successful in life are those who call a spade a spade, who follow through with what they say, and respect and embrace their own journeys while genuninely supporting, empowering, and encouraging those of others. As I continue to figure myself out, I hope and pray to bear these truths in mind and never stop opening myself to learning and embracing even greater and more powerful lessons.
Well I must sleep now. I’m hoping I will have a wacky dream. Something like me leaping off a 30 foot cliff with my favorite surfboard into a clear glassy turquoise rolling point break with giant jade sea turtles swimming below and the people I love splashing around, bathed in bright beams of sunlight with a jungle of monkey friends rooting for us on the shore. :)
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." Teddy Roosevelt
"Justice consists not in being neutral between right and wrong, but in finding out the right and upholding it, wherever found, against the wrong." Teddy Roosevelt
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." Eleanor Roosevelt
“What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Will I make it? Did I arrange all the details correctly for an overseas transplant? Can I hack it with people far more experienced and educated than I? Am I cut out for Masters level work, especially in a new country with different educational traditions than I am accustomed to? Will I like the country, the people? Will I let the weather depress or invigorate me? Is my unique very American seattle-meets-san-diego-earthy-but-cosmopolitan-travelling-surfer-runner-sometimes goofy-girly-but-trying-to-remain-professional-laidback-yet-motivated persona going to scare people or somehow diminish what I have to say?
To be honest, I’m not really sure what I’m getting myself into. I wish I could say I was at peace, feeling the inner zen as I embark on the next wave of life, but I’m not there yet. I’ve never felt nervous about a trip before but I’m freaking out a little bit on the inside. Before China, Costa Rica, Australia, Indonesia and even conflict ridden Guatemala or East Timor I slept soundly and dreamt the wacky dreams I only have before exiting adventures. This time around, I can’t sleep at night, I can’t get past the murky uncertainty of what’s before me.
I guess I just have more at stake and know less of what to expect. This isn’t a semester abroad with people from my culture with debriefings and group processing times. No I'm going in blind to a very professionaly and academically qualified, intercultural, international... intimidating group. I know I will love it but I'm a little scared. Scared that I'll diminish my own abilities, scared that I'll be in over my head, scared that I don't know where this step is going to take me. It’s a gamble, with the highest stakes I’ve ever put out. My objective is to strengthen my knowledge, world view, and influence to impact the world for good. To pursue social justice, freedom from suffering, hope and opportunity for those oppressed due to no fault of their own. If I can somehow manage to do that while learning about myself and embracing those around me, I think I'll be feeling alright. I just gotta take it one step at a time...
If I’ve learned anything from my time in San Diego, it’s that life is a process of finding yourself, and even if you don’t exactly know who that person is, you do know some things about yourself- things that ring true and deeply resonate in your being as the best way to act and live your life. Pursue those things and don’t let anybody tell you you’re wrong or stupid, or not “cool” for doing them. Don’t change yourself to fit a mold or a cookie-cutter look or personality… popular definitions fade with each second passing. It’s a fruitless, empty endeavor to try to look or act as anything you aren’t. Especially since most (at least US) "popular ideals" are completely based in superfluous, selfish, mindless, empty fluff. Humanity is a rainbow of beautiful cultures and shining personalities, practical skills and deep, abiding strengths. Seek that which resonates with you and celebrate it! The childhood mantra, “be yourself” holds deep value. I've come to believe the people who are most satisfied and successful in life are those who call a spade a spade, who follow through with what they say, and respect and embrace their own journeys while genuninely supporting, empowering, and encouraging those of others. As I continue to figure myself out, I hope and pray to bear these truths in mind and never stop opening myself to learning and embracing even greater and more powerful lessons.
Well I must sleep now. I’m hoping I will have a wacky dream. Something like me leaping off a 30 foot cliff with my favorite surfboard into a clear glassy turquoise rolling point break with giant jade sea turtles swimming below and the people I love splashing around, bathed in bright beams of sunlight with a jungle of monkey friends rooting for us on the shore. :)
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." Teddy Roosevelt
"Justice consists not in being neutral between right and wrong, but in finding out the right and upholding it, wherever found, against the wrong." Teddy Roosevelt
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." Eleanor Roosevelt
“What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Life Update 07/08!
Dear Friends and Family,
Well, as I am making a new life transition, I wanted to take an opportunity to update you all a bit with where I'm at! The last time I wrote an update like this, I was graduating college in 2006, about to head to Australia for YWAM and Indonesia for Humanitarian Aid work. Well that came and passed, it was an amazing trip. Incredible people, sights, new cultures, personal growth, and of course, great surfing. Not a bad way to spend the last half of 2006.
In early 2007 upon my Aunt Wina's invitation to intern at Women's Empowerment, her Microfinance Non-profit, I moved to San Diego! Within the first week, I couldn't help but think it was meant to be as I acquired 2 new jobs in addition to my internship... :) First with Community Housing Works doing community development and also as a part time server at Jose O'Reilly's a Mexican-Irish restaurant.
I've stayed in pretty much the same routine since. Well, I wouldn't quite call it a routine... some highlights are... a month long trip to Europe, hiking the Swiss Alps with my Mom, Grandpa, Aunts and Uncles and visiting friends in the UK, France and a school in Spain... A couple triathlons, French classes, fun little trips to LA, San Francisco, Las Vegas, WA State, WA DC, Costa Rica, and of course Tijuana for tacos and churros! I've made some wonderful friends and learned a lot of life lessons. I'm so grateful for my San Diego family who've not only embraced me but taught through example the definition of hospitality and graciousness.
Soooo, you're probably wondering by now... What's NEXT? Well, after getting my BA in International Business and Latin American Studies, my thirst for education was all but quenched. After much deliberation of programs and places, I finally accepted admission to the Institute of Social Studies in The Hague, Netherlands. (www.iss.nl). I will be earning a MA in International Development-Poverty Studies and Policy Analysis. After being so fortunate to have studied in North America, Latin America, Australia, and China, I determined Europe would be the next step in my quest for global citizenship!
I'll let you all know how it goes. The program runs for 1.5 years, until December 2009. After that, all I know is I will be getting a job to pay off my student loan... as far as where/in what, well... I'll let you know as soon as I do!
To help you in that process, I FINALLY started a blog (should have done this years ago, alas!) You can check it out at: http://weavingworldcitizen.blogspot.com
I am going to try to keep it updated with photos, adventures, and the awesome things I'm going to be learning along the way! Keep in touch, I will miss all of you, but know I am only an email or IM away.
Love, Peace, and Unity,
Ruth :)
P.S. Not to sound cheesy, I feel like a recording artist making acknowledgements at the end of a CD... nevertheless I really want to let you all know how grateful I am to have you in my life:
Thank you Mom and Dad for your neverending solidness, support, wisdom, and inspiration. To Becky and Stan for being the best bro and sis a girl could have, from bargain shopping and makeovers to surfing and taming east timorese monkeys, we ALWAYS have a good time, love you guys! To Aunt Wina and Uncle Gary, thank you thank you thank you for being like second parents to me in my time in SD, for astronomical hospitality- from fun family dinners to a bed to sleep in, I will always look back so fondly on my time here with you guys. To Steven Luke and Kathleen for welcoming me into your lives and friend circles when I knew no one down here- I''m so lucky to have you guys! Cooommme to Oktoberfest and I'll return the favor ;). To all my extended family- Grandma Cox, Grammie, Grandpa and Grandma Pierce and all my amazing Aunts, Uncles and Cousins- thank you so much for your support and positive, affirming attitudes, I love you all dearly! To Ando and Carisia, thank you both so much for embracing me into your lives and letting me explore San Diego and share my life with you both- you're very special people and deserve the very best! Thanks to all my awesome coworkers from CHW and Joses, you guys have made work more than enjoyable, the best for you too! To Community Housing Works, especially Patti, Carmen, and Heather, thank you for embracing me and letting me express myself within your company, it has been such an encouraging and warm environment to grow and learn. To Marydol- thank you sooo much for your camraderie and support in our work at Solara, I couldn't have asked for a better person to work with, we've got to keep in touch :). To Shigeo- thank you for your unconditional love and acceptance, you've taught so much about love and how to treat others, you are amazing! To Abby, Karen, and Janelle you girls are the best and even though we're separated most of the time- our girls weekends will never be! To Simon and Dakotta you guys never fail to inspire, make me laugh, and help me see things a little differently- thank you for your sustained friendship! To Kristinita LOML, keep on living the dream girl, someday we will have our community garden/yoga studio/peace center! To Jean, Dr. Downing, and Dr. Wong- thank you so much for the letters of recommendation you so generously wrote for me- for those and the invaluable wisdom you've passed to me in my internship/classes, Thank you very much! To God, who I've yet to begin to understand, thank you for the lessons, heart, and hope. To everyone else, for touching my life in the myriad ways you each have, THANK YOU! You all deserve the best, and I love you all very much!
Well, as I am making a new life transition, I wanted to take an opportunity to update you all a bit with where I'm at! The last time I wrote an update like this, I was graduating college in 2006, about to head to Australia for YWAM and Indonesia for Humanitarian Aid work. Well that came and passed, it was an amazing trip. Incredible people, sights, new cultures, personal growth, and of course, great surfing. Not a bad way to spend the last half of 2006.
In early 2007 upon my Aunt Wina's invitation to intern at Women's Empowerment, her Microfinance Non-profit, I moved to San Diego! Within the first week, I couldn't help but think it was meant to be as I acquired 2 new jobs in addition to my internship... :) First with Community Housing Works doing community development and also as a part time server at Jose O'Reilly's a Mexican-Irish restaurant.
I've stayed in pretty much the same routine since. Well, I wouldn't quite call it a routine... some highlights are... a month long trip to Europe, hiking the Swiss Alps with my Mom, Grandpa, Aunts and Uncles and visiting friends in the UK, France and a school in Spain... A couple triathlons, French classes, fun little trips to LA, San Francisco, Las Vegas, WA State, WA DC, Costa Rica, and of course Tijuana for tacos and churros! I've made some wonderful friends and learned a lot of life lessons. I'm so grateful for my San Diego family who've not only embraced me but taught through example the definition of hospitality and graciousness.
Soooo, you're probably wondering by now... What's NEXT? Well, after getting my BA in International Business and Latin American Studies, my thirst for education was all but quenched. After much deliberation of programs and places, I finally accepted admission to the Institute of Social Studies in The Hague, Netherlands. (www.iss.nl). I will be earning a MA in International Development-Poverty Studies and Policy Analysis. After being so fortunate to have studied in North America, Latin America, Australia, and China, I determined Europe would be the next step in my quest for global citizenship!
I'll let you all know how it goes. The program runs for 1.5 years, until December 2009. After that, all I know is I will be getting a job to pay off my student loan... as far as where/in what, well... I'll let you know as soon as I do!
To help you in that process, I FINALLY started a blog (should have done this years ago, alas!) You can check it out at: http://weavingworldcitizen.blogspot.com
I am going to try to keep it updated with photos, adventures, and the awesome things I'm going to be learning along the way! Keep in touch, I will miss all of you, but know I am only an email or IM away.
Love, Peace, and Unity,
Ruth :)
P.S. Not to sound cheesy, I feel like a recording artist making acknowledgements at the end of a CD... nevertheless I really want to let you all know how grateful I am to have you in my life:
Thank you Mom and Dad for your neverending solidness, support, wisdom, and inspiration. To Becky and Stan for being the best bro and sis a girl could have, from bargain shopping and makeovers to surfing and taming east timorese monkeys, we ALWAYS have a good time, love you guys! To Aunt Wina and Uncle Gary, thank you thank you thank you for being like second parents to me in my time in SD, for astronomical hospitality- from fun family dinners to a bed to sleep in, I will always look back so fondly on my time here with you guys. To Steven Luke and Kathleen for welcoming me into your lives and friend circles when I knew no one down here- I''m so lucky to have you guys! Cooommme to Oktoberfest and I'll return the favor ;). To all my extended family- Grandma Cox, Grammie, Grandpa and Grandma Pierce and all my amazing Aunts, Uncles and Cousins- thank you so much for your support and positive, affirming attitudes, I love you all dearly! To Ando and Carisia, thank you both so much for embracing me into your lives and letting me explore San Diego and share my life with you both- you're very special people and deserve the very best! Thanks to all my awesome coworkers from CHW and Joses, you guys have made work more than enjoyable, the best for you too! To Community Housing Works, especially Patti, Carmen, and Heather, thank you for embracing me and letting me express myself within your company, it has been such an encouraging and warm environment to grow and learn. To Marydol- thank you sooo much for your camraderie and support in our work at Solara, I couldn't have asked for a better person to work with, we've got to keep in touch :). To Shigeo- thank you for your unconditional love and acceptance, you've taught so much about love and how to treat others, you are amazing! To Abby, Karen, and Janelle you girls are the best and even though we're separated most of the time- our girls weekends will never be! To Simon and Dakotta you guys never fail to inspire, make me laugh, and help me see things a little differently- thank you for your sustained friendship! To Kristinita LOML, keep on living the dream girl, someday we will have our community garden/yoga studio/peace center! To Jean, Dr. Downing, and Dr. Wong- thank you so much for the letters of recommendation you so generously wrote for me- for those and the invaluable wisdom you've passed to me in my internship/classes, Thank you very much! To God, who I've yet to begin to understand, thank you for the lessons, heart, and hope. To everyone else, for touching my life in the myriad ways you each have, THANK YOU! You all deserve the best, and I love you all very much!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Inspiration
"Oxygen" -Willy Mason
I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.
On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.
I wanna see through all the lies of society
To the reality, happiness is at stake
I wanna hold up my head with dignity
Proud of a life where to give means more than to take
I wan't to live beyond the modern mentality
Where paper is all that you're really taught to create
Do you remember the forgotten America?
Justice, equality, freedom to every race?
Just need to get past all the lies and hypocrisy
Make up and hair to the truth behind every face
That look around to all the people you see,
How many of them are happy and free?
I know it sounds like a dream
But it's the only thing that can get me to sleep at night
I know it's hard to believe
But it's easy to see that something here isn't right
I know the future looks dark
But it's there that the kids of today must carry the light.
On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.
If i'm afraid to catch a dream
I'll weave your baskets and i'll float them down the river stream
Each one i weave with words i speak to carry love to your relief.
I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.
On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew
I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.
On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.
I wanna see through all the lies of society
To the reality, happiness is at stake
I wanna hold up my head with dignity
Proud of a life where to give means more than to take
I wan't to live beyond the modern mentality
Where paper is all that you're really taught to create
Do you remember the forgotten America?
Justice, equality, freedom to every race?
Just need to get past all the lies and hypocrisy
Make up and hair to the truth behind every face
That look around to all the people you see,
How many of them are happy and free?
I know it sounds like a dream
But it's the only thing that can get me to sleep at night
I know it's hard to believe
But it's easy to see that something here isn't right
I know the future looks dark
But it's there that the kids of today must carry the light.
On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.
If i'm afraid to catch a dream
I'll weave your baskets and i'll float them down the river stream
Each one i weave with words i speak to carry love to your relief.
I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees
I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease
I wanna be cooler than t.v.
For all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be
We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe
We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need
We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.
On and on, and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until i'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew
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